Wooing The Trickster
by teofse
Summary: "Get ready to be swept off your feet, Loki of Asgard, because my fucking heart has finally found its match, and I'm afraid it's you."
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Wooing The Trickster.

**Author:** Teofse

**Rating:** G

**Pairing:** Loki/Tony

**Genre:** Slash. Romance. Humor.

**Word Count:** ?

**Warnings:** None. Unbetaed.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own these characters. No money is being made out of this work.

**Summary:** "Get ready to be swept off your feet, Loki of Asgard, because my fucking heart has finally found its match, and I'm afraid it's you."

**Wooing The Trickster.**

Trying to get into Loki's scorching-hot leather pants was frustrating beyond measure. The guy not only exuded that I'm-way-too-cool-to-fuck-a-mere-mortal attitude like a high-end perfume, he was also an all or nothing sort of bloke. He either hated you with every breath he took or tried to deny that he's grown used to loving so fucking hard that he'd ended up shattering like glass every time he'd been betrayed in the past. 'How could anyone who knows him ever mistake Loki's heartbreak for real hatred? His emotions are plastered all over his eyes for everyone to see. You are such a blind idiot, Thor.'

It had been as easy as pie for Tony to see past the familiar blank mask the Trickster wore so well. He understood the God's self-despised emotional neediness too fucking much to remain as detached as he'd have liked to be. He'd always had the same tendencies. The same cravings. The same terrifying desire to give everything he's ever been or will eventually become to someone, anyone, who could possibly come close to understanding him –and yes, that definitely included every single fucked-up part of himself.-

He'd been searching all his life for that special someone who could love his darkness just as much as everyone else wanted to love his light. He'd been waiting for that frankly elusive 'someone' who was meant to come into his life one day and not only be able, but also willing, to put up with all his bullshit without trying to change every unpleasant little quirk of his selfish nature. He'd waited for someone he could claim and who would claim him in return. Someone he could belong to without any restraints. Someone willing to catch him, willing to bring him back to safety every time he fell.

After working with the irritatingly reserved Frost-Giant/Asgard's-kickass-sorcerer-prince for two years, as part of the 'light punishment' that daddy-dearest had imposed on his baby boy after the New York debacle, Tony had come to the conclusion that Loki Odinson could very easily become his very own 'someone', if only he could convince the bloody idiot to look his way for a second.

The problem with that was that the gorgeous bastard had some sort of tunnel vision when it came to understanding how normal people interacted with one another. He either knew you existed or he didn't. And the fact that the bloke he had the uber-mushy girly hots for was the one creature currently on Earth who seemed pretty much immune to the 'Stark Charm' was driving Tony up the wall.

He gritted his teeth as the object of his unfortunately more-than-lustful affections took one thoroughly unimpressed look at the first magic-compatible Stark phone he'd ever designed before placing it back in it's box with a small moue of disgust. 'Ok. So having this emotionally stunted jerk dismiss the awesome tech you've spent six months developing for his benefit hurts like a bitch, but you already knew this could happen, Tony. This guy can crush your heart without even meaning to, so play it cool, man. Play it real cool.'

"What possible use could I have for your little Midgardian toys, Stark? I'm already being forced to live in your tower so that S.H.I.E.L.D can find me without going to the trouble of seeking me out, and it isn't as if I have a long list of mortal acquaintances to share irritatingly vacuous conversations with."

Tony's fists itched to punch the bastard's nose almost as strongly as his lips tingled with the urgent desire to kiss that maddeningly disdainful smirk right off his face. He'd be willing to bet that the shock of finding himself on the receiving end of the kind of soul-sucking smooch Tony wanted to plant on his godly-lips would be enough to melt that irritating derision right off Loki's unfairly gorgeous features.

Maybe he should go ahead and do just that. It'd be wonderfully satisfying to bash that infuriatingly oblivious head with the clue-club of undeniable realization once and for all. Yeah, he'd definitely feel better about this mess if he made a grab for more, instead of forcing himself to take all this bullshit on the chin like a good little mortal.

"You don't do this very often, do you, reindeer?" He asked with as much mocking sweetness as he could possibly muster while his heart pounded a mile a minute in reaction to the sheer madness of what he was girding his loins to say with his next breath.

Loki frowned, clearly puzzled by the unexpected question.

"Do what?"

"This. Receive a gift from someone who doesn't want a fucking thing from you besides attention."

"I'm not in the habit of indulging attention seekers."

Tony had to smile at the huffy tone. Loki's attempt at denying the obvious was pretty adorable, even if his claim was so clearly fake that it wasn't all that funny.

"You mean you are not in the habit of indulging anyone because nobody has ever bothered to cosy up to you, don't you?"

"I will not tolerate your disrespect, Stark!" Loki hissed, gorgeous green eyes narrowed to convey so much offended indignation that Tony's foolish heart all but melted in the face of the God's pointless posturing.

"I like you, cupcake. I know it sounds sudden, but... you are a really hard God to worship. I've been trying for a while. A ridiculously long while, to be honest. Did you know that nothing works with you?"

"I don't understand."

"You thought the chocolates I sent you were poisoned and used the mindbogglingly expensive flowers I had delivered to your room for that magical mumbo-jumbo potion nonsense of yours. Don't even try to deny it, perfect lips, because J.A.R.V.I.S told me everything you did to those fragile little petals."

"What on Midgard...?"

"And don't even get me started on all my carefully planned oh-so-casual invitations out for a drink or two. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Just because we work together doesn't mean that every time I suggest going out for a pint I'm giving you leeway to turn my relaxing afternoon off into some sort of creepy team-bonding exercise with the entire Avenger crew."

"Shield brothers always drink together in Asgard, Stark."

"Newsflash: we are not in Asgard and I'm not your brother in any shape or form, Bambi. I'm just a bloke. A regular horny bloke who has been trying every trick in the book to get to first base with you for eighteen months, man!"

"Excuse me?"

"No excusing allowed. I'm totally pissed off, OK? For all that cunning cleverness is supposed to be your middle name you are annoyingly thick about anything that's even remotely related to sexy times, hot stuff. I'm gonna stop the subtlety crap altogether and come right at you. I'll do it with bells on and everything. It'll be awesome."

"Bells? What bells? Why must you speak in such infuriating riddles? I can't make sense of a single thing you are saying."

"We should hook-up, gorgeous. That's the nutshell version of my speech."

Loki gaped like a landed fish and took two hasty steps backwards, clearly trying to decide whether he was being pranked or Tony had genuinely lost all his marbles.

"Are you mad?" The God hissed, halfway between genuinely incredulous and positively incensed.

Tony's chocolate-brown eyes glinted with purpose and he smirked with savage satisfaction as soon as he saw the trickster's pale face blush in flustered reaction to the blatant leer he threw his way.

"Yes, reindeer. I'm crazy. I'm God-dammed, stark raving mad about you, babe, and I'm seriously planning to charm those leather pants right off you."

The sorcerer looked more than merely shocked. He'd clearly been rendered speechless by Tony's little announcement and wasn't going to be able to keep ignoring his existence from now on, even if he tried.

"You wish to bed me?" Loki scoffed after spending an entire minute glaring at him with affronted indignation. "You are even more arrogant than I gave you credit for if you honestly believe I'd ever spread my legs for you, mortal."

Tony shrugged carelessly and blew him a cheeky kiss, just to see him squirm with embarrassment like a flustered virgin.

"I'm more arrogant than that, princess. I don't want to simply 'bed' you, as you so charmingly put it. I want the whole shebang. I'm aiming for the entire wildly passionate, heart-pounding, extraordinary love of the ages scenario."

"That's perfectly ridic..."

"I want the kind of romantic KABOOM! that could burn the hearts of ordinary people into dust because I simply refuse to settle for something as mediocre as empty lust. I played that game already and it was... soulless. So here's your fair warning, gorgeous: I really, really, like you. I think we'd be as close to perfect together as either of us can get. So get ready to be swept off your feet, Loki of Asgard, because my fucking heart has finally found its match and I'm afraid it's you."

**TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Wooing The Trickster.

**Author:** Teofse

**Rating:** G

**Pairing:** Loki/Tony

**Genre:** Slash. Romance.

**Word Count:** 2830

**Warnings:** None. Unbetaed.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own these characters. No money is being made out of this work.

**Summary:** "Get ready to be swept off your feet, Loki of Asgard, because my fucking heart has finally found its match, and I'm afraid it's you."

**Wooing The Trickster. Chapter 2.**

"I'd say it's pretty obvious by now that we've spooked the reindeer, J.A.R.V.I.S." Tony muttered dejectedly as he spotted his crush's gorgeously slender form slinking down the corridor as fast as his amazingly long legs could take him.

"We, Sir?" The A.I inquired testily, saccharine-sweet sarcasm dripping off those two words in a way that would have had Tony laughing his head off, if he wasn't quite so annoyed with the entire Scorching-Hot-God-Currently-Avoiding-Him-Like-The-Plague thing.

"Don't give me sass or I'll do something so unspeakable to your motherboard that you'll finally start experiencing human-like nightmares, Jeeves."

Blessed silence reigned after that uncharacteristically mean comment and Tony rolled his shoulder in a sharp and tense motion, feeling even more frustrated for having won such petty battle when what he really, really, wanted was a sympathetic ear to bounce off his crazy wooing ideas.

"You shouldn't have let me tell him to his face how much I fancy him. He's always been impossible to pin down but his past efforts where a walk in the park to get around when compared to this. We've gone from 30% non-Avengers' related Sex-God sightings to 0.01% and that's just—absolutely unacceptable, Jarvs. How can I charm the little bastard if I never even see him?"

The A.I took so long to answer him that Tony became uncomfortably certain that he'd wounded each and every one of the feelings J.A.R.V.I.S wasn't supposed to have.

"I doubt calling him 'a little bastard' in the middle of the corridor is helping your case, Sir."

Tony rubbed the back of his neck and sighed loudly, trying to hide his relief from his ever-perceptive creation, even though he was reasonably certain the blasted thing was probably measuring his vitals all the way down to his bowel movements and rejoicing in each and every little sign of relieved contrition that his traitorous body was undoubtedly betraying.

"He's not here, Hot Shot. It doesn't matter what I call him when he isn't around to hear it."

"Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he isn't around, Sir." The A.I countered with his perfectly snobbish British accent, making Tony go cold with the most terrible dread and jump around in a wide circle, scanning the seemingly empty corridor with widened brown eyes.

"Is he here, right now? Please, Oh, please, tell me you are the world's first robotic douchebag and you're trying to trick your maker into a nasty heart attack. It will suck so badly if he's here right now. You've got to tell me he's not here, J.A.R.V.I.S."

"Even though my sensors can not perceive his presence in the corridor at this point, I do not have enough data to guarantee that Mr. Odinson didn't hear your comment. There is no way of telling what his magic will allow him to perceive, if he were inclined to snoop, Sir. And even if he remains unaware of what you call him behind his back for the time being, others have overheard you enough times to draw their own conclusions. You will never convince him that you are genuinely interested while everybody else -his own brother included- is utterly convinced that you hate his guts."

"Hate his guts? How in the name of science can anyone with two brain cells to rub together ever imagine I hate Sexy-Long-Leg's guts? I've sent the man chocolates and flowers, for fucks sake! I flirt so much with him that Natasha's started to make kissy faces at me every time I so much as say his name. I seriously doubt there's anyone in this tower who hasn't realized I've got the hots for the smurf, except maybe the good 'ol captain and the Reindeer himself."

"Miss Romanov is a very perceptive lady. It would be an error to assume that the rest of the team has been able to match her conclusions. Finding deeply hidden secrets is a particular skill of hers. One that none of the other Avengers share, Sir."

Tony's gut twisted uncomfortably.

"So you think Lokes is convinced that I'm pranking him because every single member of Earth's Awesome Superhero Team happens to be a ridiculous blind idiot?"

"Blindness has nothing to do with this, Sir. You disparage Mr. Odinson's quirks more often and far more vocally than you criticize anyone else's."

"That's classic piggy-tail pulling behavior, J.A.R.V.I.S! I'd understand the Asgardians' lack of insight, but every Earthling on the team should have cottoned onto that one."

"Earthling? I do not even know how to start enumerating everything that is wrong with that particular term, Sir."

"Not important. Concentrate, Jeeves, please. We're in the middle of a major break-through when it comes to dealing with the Everest-high roadblock that our reserved, green-eyed magician has decided to throw in the middle of the Get-The-Elusive-Hot-God campaign."

"I was not aware that we had embarked in something as official as a 'campaign', Sir. I was under the impression that we were running wildly around, traumatizing poor Mr. Odinson by telling him the first thing that crossed your mind, and then smacking ourselves on the forehead while praying for it to work with as much faith as a hard-core scientist and a man-made machine can muster between them."

"Hey, what did I tell you about the sass?" Tony protested distractedly even as he shifted directions and started heading back towards the kitchen, nebulous plan taking shape in the back of his determined mind. "Let's recap here for a sec before I jump into that room and totally give the rest of the boys -and our very own super-cute red haired kick-ass girl assassin- the worst kind of indigestion for breakfast. You think I need to tell the team I'm crushing on His Godliness before I send more flowers, correct?"

"Er—No, Sir. I never said you should do any such a thing. I was just trying to point out that..."

"Too late, Wall-E." Tony interrupted the A.I's attempt to talk him out of his new, fool-proof strategy as he stepped into the kitchen and clapped his hands briskly, making sure the loud noise brought every single member of the team, bar the absent Loki, to instant, battle-ready attention. Five pairs of curious eyes settled over him with obvious puzzlement as he froze two steps shy of the breakfast bar, eyeing Thor's bulging biceps with new-found wariness and wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea to suit up before dropping this particular bomb on the most terrifying version of big, and scarily strong, brother he'd ever seen.

"Is there something wrong, Tony? You look... odd. Odder than usual, I mean."

'Oh, bless our overgrown boy scout's helpful little soul.' Tony thought to himself ruefully, before forcing his eyes away from Thor's massive form. He tried for a small, cocky smile but it felt painfully stiff in his lips as he manfully ignored J.A.R.V.I.S' latest attempt to talk 'sense into his thick skull' and blurted his piece into the bewildered silence.

"So I've been trying to romance Sex-On-Legs for a while and he's kind of thinking I'm joking because none of you, idiots, have figured out that I've got the hots for him."

Everyone except the Russian weapon of mass destruction looked at him with hilarious confusion. Then Bruce: calm, cool-headed Bruce, decided to take off his tiny round spectacles and proceeded to rub them rhythmically back and forth with the beige little cloth he kept inside his shirt pocket in what Tony honestly believed was the good doctor's adorably obvious psychological crutch when dealing with potentially stressful situations.

"I'm afraid we do not follow you, Tony. Could you please explain yourself just a tad more slowly this time while losing the befuddling nicknames, at least for now?"

"Befuddling is too big a word to throw at this crowd so early in the morning, Brucie, but I'll indulge you just this once because you've asked so nicely. So hear me out, folks: I've embarked in the quest of the century, my friends, and I need all of you to stop pissing on my parade, because it has come to my attention that your negative Juju is messing my Mojo's romantic vibes."

"What romantic vibes, man?" Hawkeye asked with obvious bemusement from his perch atop the second extra-wide fridge. "You haven't looked at a girl since Pepper left you. Trust me, we've been looking. Everybody is kind of tired of going on all these Avenger bonding Friday night's out that you've been insisting on hosting lately. I mean we're fine to give you moral support and everything, if you feel extra-lonely now that you're single again, but I haven't had a Friday night to myself for months and it's getting a bit much, you know? Trust me, I'm all for you getting laid as fast as you can, mate."

Tony was so shocked that he chocked on his own spit, giving the old cap the perfect excuse to bark like a distressed Victorian school teacher:

"There is no need to be so unsympathetic, Clint. You have no reason to feel mortified, Tony. Everyone needs a bit of support now and then, and we're honored that you've decided to share your loneliness with the team."

Tony started laughing hysterically.

"I haven't been 'sharing my loneliness with the team', you idiots! Oh, this is so pathetic it's not even funny. I'm going to strangle that bloody Reindeer."

"Whatever offense you imagine my brother has caused you, he didn't do it on purpose, Man of Iron."

"Of course he didn't do it on purpose. How could he have? He was as clueless as the rest of you until I opened my big mouth and scared him into 0.01% successful non-Avenger related sightings. Still—He's giving me the worst reputation ever, Thor, and that's just not on. I haven't been inviting all of you out to the pub on Friday nights. I've only been inviting him out."

"You've singled out my brother as your drinking buddy? I must say that's a lamentable choice, friend Stark. Loki has never been interested in ale-bonding."

"I'm not interested in ale-bonding either, Sparky. I've been trying to—How should I put this so that you, people, understand it once and for all? Oh, yes: I want to have long, wild and absolutely private Sexy-God-Bonding. With the reindeer, lets get that part absolutely clear, please. I've got nothing against big chested blonds, but I dig slender brunettes much better. So, yeah—I... I want sweat, saliva and semen everywhere, if possible. I want porn, OK? And cheesy little cuddles, too. Maybe even a small corny poem or two. And violins, let's not forget the violins. But you didn't hear that last bit from me. Not at all, mates. You all either read my mind, or had a sudden flash of insight or something equally enlightened."

A veritable storm of 'Tony, WTFs?' and 'You must be jokings' set the kitchen ablaze with outraged protests, but he ignored each and every single one of them with determined resolution.

"You can argue until the cows come home. -Do we actually have live cows in New York? And if we do, what time do they come home? Where is home, btw? Are you taking notes J.A.R.V.I.S? These are things I need to know, ASAP, Sweet Chip.

"Now were was I? Ah, yes. The Reindeer thing is not a joke, folks. I'm dead serious here. And I don't mean that like I've been freshly shot and we've just come back from my funeral. No. I mean it like my mummified body has been macerating in dusty, oven-like heat for thousands of years dead serious."

"You've got the hots for the alien wizard. We got it, mate. Can you stop the revoltingly creepy metaphors now, please? I'm trying to eat breakfast."

Clint's disgruntled comment took the wind right out of Tony's fully expanded sails and he faltered for long enough to lose track of the rest of his beautifully defiant speech.

"You've got it. That's all you, people, are planning to say?"

They all threw confused looks at one another before the good 'ol captain cleared his throat and pinned him to the floor with the closest thing to a somber glare those baby blues could produce.

"Director Fury must be informed. You understand that, don't you, Tony?"

The engineer felt himself grow cold from head to toes.

"Fury?" He croaked, swallowing convulsively and praying to The Force, to come down here and plonk itself right next to him, in case he needed it to escape the infamous temper of S.H.I.E.L.D's director. "Isn't it a bit early in the proceedings to involve the paper pushers, Boy Scout? I mean Loki isn't all that keen on me yet, I swear. Things are a bit... Tony-sided right now."

The captain raked him up and down, frowning with picture-perfect austerity.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my day the mention of violins often implied the existence of a wish for actual love. Please tell me right now if I'm assuming too much and I'll stay out of this."

Tony had to try three times before he managed to swallow the huge lump that had settled smack bang in the middle of his throat. Having emotions, any kind of emotions, usually scared the shit out of him. And having to man-up and confess those emotions in cold blood and in front of witnesses, no less, tended to have the very same effect on him.

"Violins... Yes. I want violins. And cuddles, but that doesn't mean..."

"It means that your deep emotional attachment to another member of the team could put both of you in danger. We need to have an official discussion about how to deal with this situation before something terrible happens. Fury will be most displeased if we keep something this huge from him."

"Give me some time before you shoot me down, Capsicle. Loki is already avoiding me as best as he can and, trust me, his technique is so close to an art form that it should be enshrined. He'll never give me the time of day if we put him through the ordeal of having to endure an official team discussion of something he thinks is a prank. That will cement his crazy suspicions so tightly to the ground that not even a top of the range enhanced laser beam will be able to shake them loose."

"Tony..."

"No. Listen to me, please. I'm trying to woo the man here, Cap. You'll destroy whatever measly chance I currently have to charm the Reindeer if you go to Fury right now. Give me some time, man. That's all I'm asking. Let me get on with the work of romancing my god in peace. Don't get in my way. Don't go teasing the poor bastard mercilessly about having an admirer or something equally dumb. Don't say anywhere near him that you think I hate his guts and, for heaven's sake, stop accepting his word at face value every time he insists I'm requesting another team bonding session or so help me I'll throw you all out of my tower. Give me just a little leeway here and I promise to inform Furious Eyeball himself, if things get serious."

"I'm not sure that's wise, Tony."

"Pretty please with a cherry on the top?" He begged shamelessly and was relieved to see the cap's firmly determined expression melt into a moue of exasperated amusement. The man looked around the kitchen, as if gathering everyone's agreement, before offering him quietly:

"Fine. We'll give you some time, Tony. We'll get out of your way and let you woo our trickster in peace. Just remember that you are not alone out there and neither is he. You'll be forced to stop whatever you're doing if we think that one -or both- of you is in danger of getting hurt by all this. We are a team before we are anything else and that, I'm afraid, will take precedence over your personal feelings towards our resident sorcerer if things don't go your way. Do you understand what I'm trying to say, Tony?"

Tony's relived smile froze more solidly on his lips the longer Steve talked, but he refused to let it leave his face even as he forced himself to shrug his shoulders as carelessly as he could and answered the sanctimonious bossy boots in his own better-than-though-martyr-supper-soldier language.

"Loud and clear, capsicle. I heard you loud and clear."

"Please don't be like that. I wasn't trying to offend you."

Tony's smile didn't reach his eyes even as he accepted the man's earnest apology.

"No. It's cool, I swear. It's really nice to know that there's someone else in this team, apart from Thor here and myself, willing to look out for Loki's best interests. I just wish you had the balls to say it to his face, Cap. I'm pretty sure it'll make his day."

**TBC...**


End file.
